If you’ve ever felt like being in “survival mode” has changed the way you show up as a woman, you’re not alone. Thousands of women recently voiced the same sentiments: living in constant hustle and grind has a way of stripping away our softness, our ease, and even our sense of femininity.
As a black therapist, I see this every day in my work with women of color. Survival mode may look like holding it all together for your family, grinding through a demanding job, or being the one who always “figures it out.” But over time, that nonstop push begins to harden you. You wake up a superhero without realizing when you put the cape on, and it feels impossible to take it off.
What Survival Mode Feels Like
Many women describe survival mode in words like these:
- “I’ve lost my femininity.”
- “I want her back — I’m trying to gain her back as we speak.”
- “Being a provider for myself made me lose my softness.”
- “The load I carry is not for the weak.”
Survival mode doesn’t always look dramatic from the outside. It can be the silent exhaustion of being the strong friend. The quiet ache of putting your needs last. Or the way you’ve convinced yourself that rest is lazy, even though your body is crying out for it. Biologically, it’s your nervous system locked in fight-or-flight, a state designed for short bursts of stress but never meant to last for years. And yet, for so many Black and BIPOC women, survival mode has become a lifestyle we never asked for.
The Cost of Staying in Hustle Mode
The cost is more than tiredness. Survival mode robs you of your softness. It reshapes your relationships, sometimes making intimacy harder to access. It can leave you hyper-vigilant, disconnected from joy, and even at odds with your own identity as a woman. One woman put it plainly: “I wish I could operate in a more feminine way.” Another said, “Story of my life.”
These aren’t isolated feelings. They’re the lived reality of women balancing caregiving, careers, cultural pressures, and systemic barriers — all while trying to hold themselves together. Finding a supportive black therapist can be the first step in addressing this chronic stress.
Reclaiming Softness Without Shame
The truth is, softness isn’t weakness. It’s wholeness. And it can be reclaimed.
Some women find small ways back: journaling, lighting a candle with a scent that calms them, taking a quiet walk in the park, painting their nails, or setting aside time for a home spa ritual. These may look small, but they’re powerful signals to your nervous system that you are safe enough to rest.
Therapy helps deepen this work. Meeting with a therapist for black women or a bipoc therapist offers a safe space to lay down the armor. Therapy for bipoc women can provide strategies for calming the nervous system, processing the weight of survival, and learning that it’s okay to receive, not just give. Working with a skilled black therapist who understands these cultural nuances is essential for true healing. Furthermore, counseling for bipoc women offers specialized support that general practice often misses. Many women seek a black therapist because of this shared understanding.
And community matters too. So many women in survival mode said, “I thought I was alone.” You’re not. There is healing in being witnessed, in knowing that your story echoes through countless others.
Your Soft Era Is Healing, Not a Trend
There’s a lot of talk about the “soft girl era.” For some it’s an aesthetic, but for many Black women it’s a deep cry of the body and spirit: a desire to feel safe enough to let the softness return.
This isn’t about abandoning your strength — it’s about balancing it. It’s about saying yes to joy, to rest, to softness, without apology. If you’ve been living in survival mode, know this: you deserve more than survival. You deserve wholeness. You deserve softness. And healing is possible.
As a black therapist, my work is walking alongside women of color who are tired of holding it all together and are ready to rest. You don’t have to do this alone; finding the right black therapist is key. Your softness is waiting. Contact me today to learn more about counseling for BIPOC women and how we can work together.